Bismillahir Rahmanee Raheem.

Divorce, the topic that no one wants to discuss. There are a few topics which Muslims tend to
hide from They don’t want to talk about the elephant in the room. One is the main topic of interest of this edition, and the other one is divorce. I feel these are both topics that we must address – not only talk about them but explaining them – so that if we go through either, we’ll know what to do In shaAllaah. Today I will talk about how to make divorce work, In sha Allaah

Step 1: First acknowledge that you as a couple have tried everything to make your marriage work. This is a very important step. Today many people walk away from their marriage before fully trying to make it work. They have a problem and that’s it: They forget all the good times, and think it’s not meant to be; khalas, I am done. This should not be our mentality, my dear brothers and sisters. We should be in the mentality of, “I must try my best for the sake of Allaah SWT , and if it doesn’t work then khair In sha Allaah, I did all that I could do.” Also, in every stage of your issues, both spouses should keep making Istikhara, asking Allaah SWT for guidance. At every step you want Allah SWT by your side, helping guide you to the right path. It is also at this stage that you get the elders involved, if needed be, to help resolve your issues.

Allaah SWT says in the Qur’an:

“If a couple fears separation, you shall appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator

from her family; if they decide to reconcile, God will help them get together. God is
Omniscient, Cognizant.” (Quran 4:35)

Step 2: After both trying your best, now it’s time to say “Alhamdulilah we tried, and it wasn’t meant to be.” By this step, both husband and wife will be aware of the situation. Now it’s time for them to accept that it is really happening. I will be honest with you, it’s easier said than done. When the time finally comes, it’s actually very hard to let go, for maybe both husband and wife, or one of them. They may have been married a few short years or as much as twenty years, and now their whole life is about to change. Whatever their situation was, usually they were in a comfortable state. Maybe not a happy one, but a comfortable one. It’s time to let go and have faith in Allaah for whatever is about to come your way. For a woman this may be tough, as she is usually financially dependent on her spouse. Now this means she must find a new means to make money and take care of herself and her kids. Her husband may pay child support or may not, so she has to be able to take care of her situation. As for the husband, he may be dependent on her for cooking, cleaning, taking care of the home, and being there for him physically. He doesn’t want to go and search for another woman to do all this for him, and start all over: to have to go through the process of learning what she likes and dislikes, what her pet peeves are and what will annoy her about him. He just got comfortable. SubhanAllah. So this is a tough stage where the couple may be aware that it’s time to part, but they both may require more time. Allaah SWT says in the Qur’an:

“And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly
submissive [to Allaah].” (Quran 2:45)

Step 3: Life goes on. Alhamdulilah, they have made the move to live separately and raise the kids together. This is where another difficult situation arises. Now everyone wants to know, “Whose fault was it?” We have to blame someone, right? We are trying to figure out who to blame. This is another reason why many couple stay, as sometimes neither wants to be blamed for the divorce. So they stay unhappy and keep each other miserable due to what people will say. I suggest that at this time the couple sit down and agree on what to tell others. By this time the elders on both side of the family already know what’s going on, as they have tried to help the situation the best they could. There is no need to blame anyone at this point. Everyone has tried their best, and if it’s not meant to be then they just leave it at that. The best answer here is to say, “It wasn’t meant to be. Alhamdulilah, we tried our best.” Besides that, it really isn’t necessary to get into the details of what the issue was or whose fault it was as the elders on both sides of the family already know. Regardless, people will add to the story and then share it with everyone else, so it’s best to just leave it. This is very tough as I said, as the blame game would have begun by now. Everyone wants to look like the nice one. No one wants to be blamed. And unfortunately, this is where a lot of our mistakes begin. We begin blaming, and then that leads to yelling and screaming from both sides, which leads to both sides cursing the other side, and the terror begins. Then the kids are told from both sides that the other parent is the evil one. This is nothing but a massive fitnah. I have seen this first hand, and it is terrible.

Allaah SWT says in the Qur’an:

“When you divorce women, and they have reached their waiting-period, then either retain them in a fair manner or set them free in a fair manner; and do not retain them for injury, so that you transgress (the limits); and whoever does that he indeed is unjust to his (own) self: And do not take Allaah’s Signs in mockery, and remember Allaah’s blessing upon you and what He has sent down unto you of the Book and Wisdom to admonish you thereby, and be in awe of Allaah and know that Allaah is All-Knowing of all things.” (Qur’aan Chapter 2: Ayat 231)

In conclusion, before we even head down the road of a divorce we must think of what Allaah SWT has said to us regarding the subject. Allaah SWT has allowed divorce, while He hates it. It should be our last resort. Once we have committed to marriage, we should try our best to make it work. If we have tried it all and it doesn’t work, then only with respect and honor should we part from one another. First and foremost, we do this for the sake of Allaah SWT, and second, we do this for our own sake to have peace of mind and ensure we don’t create more fitnah for ourselves and others. Third, we do this for the sake of our families: This includes our parents who have already suffered enough, and our kids. In order to raise stable children with love and affection, we should teach them patients and tolerance. We should explain to them that we have tried our best, but it didn’t work out, and that it is not their fault. They should know that we love them and that both parents will work hard to take care of them and be there for them, In sha Allaah.

A question you may be asking is, isn’t it hard? Yes it will be painful, and there will be heartache involved. However, we must remember that during those hard times we have to be patient and truly get closer to Allaah SWT. It is only Allaah SWT that will take the pain away and decrease our heartache. We just need to deal with our feelings amicably, and remember that Allaah SWT knows best what is good for us. This might seem too good to be true, but it’s not my, dearest sisters and brothers. I personally went through a divorce in my life that I never imagined would be possible. When I got married at 19 years old, I thought many times about death coming to either one of us as a qadr of Allaah SWT, however, never did I imagine divorce. Alhamdulilah, we went through all of the steps above and my kids as well as my family felt heartache and pain; however, it wasn’t as deep as others who go through a divorce in a difficult way. Yes, people still talked and they always will; however, if you have thick skin then you won’t be offended, and know that you will receive good deeds In sha Allaah . Allaah SWT will test all of us, and the closer we get to Allaah SWT the harder the test will be. We must always be patient, kind, respectful and do our best when we’re facing a calamity or difficulty. Divorce is another test in our lives. Alhamdulilah for everything.